Mother Mystic's Musings

For many of us, the holidays are a sad time because of grief.  The loss doesn’t have to be recent to hurt.  Perhaps the anniversary of a loved one’s death comes around this time or just the fact that there is an empty seat at the holiday table brings back the hurt of the loss.  I myself sustained two losses this year so this post is particularly significant for me.

First of all, you have rights.  Don’t let anyone tell you how you should be feeling.  Well meaning people always say to think of other things, other times but you deserve the right to grieve in your own way and at your own pace.  Decades may have passed since your loss but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel pain.  If dealing with the holidays becomes too painful, perhaps a holiday time-out is in order.  Take a hot bath, put a favorite movie in the DVD player, go for a long walk away from anything that reminds you of the holidays, do a yoga workout.  It’s okay to blow off steam and vent.  Anger is part of grief.

Don’t assume you have to cover up your grief in order to bolster others feelings.  You have a right to be sad and if others can’t accept that or deal with it, that is their problem.  You’re not responsible for their reality.  Talking about your missing loved one can help you a lot at this time, especially sharing happy memories of holidays past.  It brings them into the present.  I have placed my family pictures in a more prominent place in the dining area, so they will be part of the festivities.  I can look over and see their smiling faces.  This might not work for everyone but it’s helping me.

Do things differently this year if it’s too painful to carry on past traditions.  Eat out, stay home, decorate or not.  Do what feels right to you!  Be prepared for mood changes.  You might be having fun and bam!  Grief comes and hits you right in the solar plexus.  Be flexible with yourself so you can easily deal with this.  Don’t put pressure on yourself by trying to do too much and finding yourself crying in the kitchen alone because suddenly you’re overcome.

It’s okay to cry.  It’s always okay to express your feelings when people ask you how you are.  People who truly care about you will want to know.  If you just want to be alone with your grief, that’s okay too.  Make sure you pay attention to yourself though, because our deceased loved ones do not want us neglecting ourselves.  Some time alone is okay…becoming a total recluse is not.

Nothing is set in stone.  Next year you might feel differently about the holidays.  Grief is a never ending process.  It’s also something that we as a human race all share.  No matter who you are, your status in life, you lose someone you love, you grieve.  You are not alone.